You know those girls…The ones who claim they HATE drama? Isn’t it amusing that as much as they seem to loathe it, they’re always involved in it somehow? We’ve all been in one of those relationships where everyday brought a new challenge or issue to the surface. We’ve all been in a relationship that went from fun to WAY too much work too quickly. Have you ever asked yourself why? Why do we get into these relationships? Why don’t we get out? Why is it usually the ones who despise such drama that seem to thrive on it?
Sometimes personalities come together for a common reason but if that common reason isn’t a good bond, it’s only a matter of time before it turns toxic. A few years back I was one of those girls. Both my romantic relationship and a deep seeded friendship were based on drama, conflict, friction, and constant disagreements. I was able to justify these unhealthy relationships because at the time it seemed like this norm was because we truly got each other. In retrospect I see now that the only thing we GOT was on each others nerves. We made EVERYTHING an issue and we created drama in every single way we possibly could.
I’ve had several years to reflect on these relationships (and have even been making majors repairs to one of them for quite some time now) and can tell you with complete certainty that I’ve learned oh so much. I’ve learned that sometimes I’m wrong. That’s right. Sometimes I’m wrong. I can admit this now whereas, at the time, I would have argued with a brick wall about just how right I was. Queue the 90’s Spin Doctors hit “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong.” With the help of a great friend, I’ve also learned “How to fight.” I don’t mean she taught me how to do mixed martial arts or anything like that, but she taught me how to decipher a red flag kind of problem from an ant hill kind of problem. If you can’t sweat the small stuff, then maybe you should rethink the relationship altogether because that’s the sign of a much MUCH bigger problem. I’m not saying that when you have a big problem that you should run for the hills but you have to learn to pick your battles. There are going to be problems in every relationship, but you have to learn what problems are deal breakers and how to address things in a non-confrontational way. If it’s a deal breaker, bring it up and discuss it. If it’s a big problem, address it once when you are both calm and don’t play the blame game. If it’s something trivial that’s just annoying you or on your nerves (not because of an underlying issue either), go for a walk or drink some wine. In the words of The Beatles, sometimes you just have to “Let It Be.” Every little thing is not fight worthy.
I could sit here for days and just list problem after problem in relationships but that’s not helpful for anyone. I’ve decided instead to list 5 major relationship problems, and the nurse in me has felt the need to list solutions to these problems as well. I’m a fixer, it’s what I do. Time to save some lives…And hopefully some relationships.
Problem #1 – Harboring resentment and anger
I’m the queen of a land some might call passive aggressive. I’m also the queen of sarcasm. The 2 make for a lethal combination in the midst of an argument I can assure you. I know after living with myself for 28 years now that stress and anger amplify both of these as well. How the manfriend tolerated me through nursing school should be one of the natural wonders of the world. Picking at the small stuff instead of expressing your true feelings (even if it is anger) isn’t helpful. One person is hurt and confused because you are yelling at them or doing things you wouldn’t normally do and you’re still angry and resentful. Nothing is resolved and now there’s just one more problem and reason to be angry. For the sake of your relationship you have to figure out what is really bothering you. While I’m sure the 3 loads of laundry that have been on the love seat for a month now is annoying and the fact that the toilet paper roll is always empty gnaws at you every time you go to the bathroom, there has got to be a bigger more significant reason for your reactions and outbursts. Are you disrespecting someone because you feel disrespected from a previous incident? Do you feel unwanted or unappreciated? Are you holding a grudge? Once you have taken time to get to the root of your issue, discuss it with the other person. Let them know how you’re feeling. Once you’ve done this, the small stuff that happens in every relationship, won’t anger you anymore…Not as much anyway. Here’s another tip, if the laundry or the empty toilet paper roll anger you so much, make that your chore. It will be done, you won’t be bothered by it not getting done, you won’t feel resentful when you see that it isn’t done, and your significant other may even be grateful and appreciative of the extra help.
Problem #2 – You have this perfect fantasy scenario of what love and or friendship is supposed to look like
Of course you’re fighting all the time. Whenever something doesn’t fit into your preconceived notion of a relationship you fight. Could you meet your own standards that you’re expected other people to uphold? You may even find that some of these little things that anger you so much, you are also doing. How do you want someone to react when you do these things? I’m not saying that you should let someone walk all over you by any means but take a step back and realize that we’re all human and we’re all going to make mistakes in our relationships sometimes. Apply the golden rule to your relationship. You’ll find that if you shift your focus more to the kind of love you want to receive versus the kind of love you aren’t getting, you’re more likely to get that kind of love right back.
Problem #3 – Stresses unrelated to the relationship
We all deal with stress on a daily basis and we all deal with it in very different ways. If you find yourself dealing with work related stresses when you come home there’s a chance you’re venting about them at home as well. We all take things out on the people who are the closest to us but this isn’t beneficial to either party involved. You’re stressed about something not related to the relationship, yet when you take it out on your partner, you’ve just turned it into a work and relationship stressor. Ask yourself why you’re so irritated so frequently and how you can change this.
Maybe you’re always there for other people and you very rarely take the time you need for yourself. If you need your own personal space, take it. There’s no shame in taking care of yourself first.
There’s a scene in the movie Four Christmases with Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon where they get into an argument and she says to him, “If we were on a plane that was going down, I was passed out, and they told everyone to put on their oxygen masks, I’d like to know that you’d put my mask on first.” He responds to her and says, “I wouldn’t and the FAA wouldn’t want me to either.” She then says, “I’m not talking about the FAA. Do you ever listen?” To which he responds, “What? Do you listen to the stewardesses? You put your mask on first. Now I’ve put your mask on but your still passed out and now I’m passed out too and now we’re not helping anyone are we. You put your mask on first.” In this scene Reese Witherspoon’s character is actually upset at a false pregnancy test when Vince Vaughn’s character has always made it abundantly clear that kids are not in his future. The balance has been upset and stressors are manifesting themselves in other ways and causing more stress and friction in their relationship.
Vince Vaughn’s character is making a very valid point at this time though, you have to take care of yourself first or you’re not beneficial to anyone else around you. Take some time and space and get prepared whether that means mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever it is that YOU need so you don’t feel so drained and stressed all the time. Once you have addressed your own issues and found a balance you won’t manifest these issues onto your relationship. Prioritizing your own needs helps both you and your relationships. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else.
Problem #4 – All of your relationships involve more drama than a season of The Real Housewives.
The only way you know how to be in a relationship is to be in a relationship that is centered around drama of some sort. You may even look for or create problems when there is nothing at all to fight about simply because you thrive on the drama and confrontation. If you grew up in a household where there was always chaos and turmoil, this is your norm. It actually may feel very comfortable and make you feel more secure with the relationship if there’s constant friction. The cycle of yelling, being yelled at, and making up, is your comfort zone.
You have to break this cycle in order to be in a healthy relationship. Take some time to yourself and think about how you create some of the drama around you. Realize that you can make that drama go away. This may make you feel uncomfortable and insecure at first because you’re throwing away a security blanket, but once you quit thriving on the drama and even creating it, you’ll be able to see and feel what a good loving relationship is like without all of the fussing and fighting. This will not be easy. It will take time. You may experience anxiety related to relinquishing something that’s always been a constant or a norm for you. Take it one day at a time. As you work on this day after day, you’ll slowly start to see that you can enjoy someone’s company without arguing. You will even take a step back when you’re faced with a situation that would have normally started a fight.
If the issue is more about the excitement that comes with fighting and seeking out drama in your life then I suggest you find an adventurous hobby of some sort. Focus on doing something that thrills you alone or together and make yourself feel alive without needing to fight someone to feel it.
Problem #5 – You’re in a relationship that isn’t good for you or anyone involved, but you’re scared to leave
So now you’re in a relationship that you know is no good but you stay. You staying in turn only makes you irritated and angry and resentful about the smallest of things. This one is the most difficult. This goes beyond picking your battles, which we’ve already discussed, and into facing the truth. Stop fighting it for a second and be honest…I mean REALLY honest. Ask yourself if you thought you could be happier walking away, would you? Ask yourself if the relationship or friendship is filled with more good times or bad times? Once you’ve answered these questions honestly, you’re left with a choice…You can stay and endure the same things over and over and over OR you can walk away and find something that makes you truly happy.
If you’ve made the decision to walk away understand that it will not be easy. It will be hard and you may question it a time or 10 at first. Be strong. Remember why you made this decision. Talk to your friends and family. Surround yourself with love and support. This transition will get easier, I promise you.
No relationship is going to be perfect. There are good times and bad times in each and every one. Sometimes it may be “ant hill stuff” and other times we will all face legitimate issues and have no choice but to address them. Just remember to choose your battles. Not fighting about every little thing makes it that much easier to work through the not so small stuff together as well. Remember the reasons you chose to be together in the first place. You can either fix it or kick rocks and walk away…Either way, drama is not necessary or helpful to anyone involved.
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